The Midnight News 06.02.03
Posted By Hyatte on 06.02.03
Reader Love, Visit Here, Hardcore Divas, Smackdown Goes To A Strip Club, Ripping and Poofing, Steph, The Casting Couch, and Hogan Ain't Saying Nothing
Guys like Hyatte are not columnists. If they have something to offer - post it on a message board.
It’s been weeks and I’m STILL stunned by the idiocy of that statement.
Got us a TON of flames this week. Nice mixed bag of stuff.
1: This is becoming as bad as Willie Mays on the Mets ... or Johnny Unitas on the Chragers ... or Hulk Hogan in a mask that makes his head look like a friggin Tidy bowl cleaner ... I'm begging you, Hyatte. Retire. Now.
Rob G
Well, if I do that, then in a few months I’ll want to come back… Widro’ll take me because I get hits… so, do you REALLY want yet ANOTHER “return”? Isn’t it getting kind of dull by now?
2: I think your stupid, You are pure trash. Get back to your trailer and heat up some spam.
Mathew Theilade
I don’t eat Spam… I eat Ramen Pride Noodles. Tast-TEE
3: You like to act like a pimp, but we all know you are nothing more than computer geek that hangs out with fat female computer geeks. Hooray for you I'd rather suck dick than put up with your three hundred-pound bitches. FAG
Kerrotsnot
I’ve never once acted like a “pimp”… except once I DID threaten Chris Reeve with a broken beer bottle… but that was a long time ago. (oh, just TRY to catch that reference)
He’d rather suck a cock then “put up” with a fat girl… yet somehow I’M the fag here?
Who is (are?) “we”? Is it a secret club? I want names?
4: You know why no one reads books? Cause they suck dick
Vinnie DMB
HAW!!! Too funny
5: I seriously can't stand you Americans. Canadian schools are MUCH better than American schools, so whichever person brought that up in their "rants", should be beaten in the street (or shot because you have the right to bear arms).
Why do you feel as though you must carry a gun. That should not be a right. Do you know how many Canadians were killed last year by guns? 1,700. Did you know that in Michigan during July and August that 3,000 people were shot to death last year.
Maybe you guys have won a lot of wars, but I would rather live in and support a country where I can walk down the street at night and not dodge bullets and run away from crack dealers and pimps.
Matt Young
A: I agree, anyone who claims to “rant” should be beaten up in the street, and shot… and just for the hell of it, watch their mother get sodomized with a hockey stick
B: We don’t ALL feel as though we must have a gun… in fact, most of us live quite happily without ever holding one. We just like the idea that we can purchase one legally and shoot people who irritate us whenever we want.
C: Canadians don’t have to kill each other… they have SARS, Mad Cow, and endless winters that do the trick quite nicely.
D: If you Canucks would stop fearing the black man, you’d see that most pimps and drug dealers are businessmen who won’t bother you unless you owe them money or would like to rent/purchase their wares.
6: I figure that if all else fails, remind the Canadians that they're half French territory too, and France gets their asses kicked in wars on a regular basis.
Billy Kane
Not really a FLAME but… YEAH!!!
7: Also, what the fuck is with your reading material? You claim to read like a muthafucka but you (and Flea) only seem to read absolute crap. Stephen King as an important writer? NEGRO, please! Next time when you do one of those space filling features, consider good, important and insightful writers such as James Joyce, Jorge Luis Borges, Vonnegut, Salinger, Woolf, Don DeLillo, Thomas Pynchon, Iris Murdoch, Thomas Hardy, even Bret Easten Ellis, MILTON, etc. etc. etc. etc. Orwell's cool though.
Graham
Orwell and Vonnegut will show up before long.
As for the rest, I’m interested in getting these kids to read just for the hell of it…not shove “important classics” down their throats that will remind them of English class.
8: How long does it take an American to take out the trash? Nine months.
WAWF Online
HEY!! DICKFACE!!! Not funny… boo, BOOOOO… friggin’… bullshit!
9: hey, that column was honestly the worst peice of shit ive ever read on 411mania. i cant even really say "i read" because it was so bad i just skimmed through it. get the guy who used to do these back, you are not very good at this. and stop bad mouthing canada.
H Hogan
H Hogan? HORACE???
I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. Hello.
Oh why dawdle, let’s just roll…
THIS IS UP TOP SO YOU KNOW IT’S VERY, VERY IMPORTANT
Not really, but I want you all bright eyed and bushy tailed for this…
This is a favor I’m going to ask you… no, not for money (HA!! What am I? A Jew?)… not for any real effort… just a favor I’d like done for me in exchange for years and years of finger breaking entertainment that I have supplied.
I want you to click on a link I am about to supply… ALL OF YOU… every reader. Even Scott Keith.
There’s no trick here. The site is not porn, not gay, not embarrassing, you can click it at work and not get in trouble, no pop-ups, it doesn’t take forever to upload, no one is asking you to buy anything, this won’t result in spam clogging up your box (last time I saw spam clog up a box was on my honeymoon *rimshot), it’s not a tracker so no one will know you clicked, there’s nothing sick, illegal, or vile there, it’s just a site from a familiar face. Someone most of you like. It takes two second to click and check it out. There’s nothing to it and no “catch”, if there is, I will leave the web forever… I swear.
There is no excuse for each and every one of you to click this right now. Trust me, once you see what it’s about, you’ll probably bookmark it.
Okay? Got it? Good… Click This
Thank you.
BE A DIVA AND TAKE TWO STIFFIES IN THE BAD PLACE
One guy gave me the details… another guy brought it up to me on AIM… I checked around, no one has caught this yet. This is not exactly a HUGE story, but it IS fun… and a MIDNIGHT NEWS EXCLUSIVE…
Oh, and it’s 100% legit… I don’t think I’m messing around here.
My source is a guy who runs a website and a newsletter focusing on the Indy scene…. Because of that, he gotten to talk to rassle-babes like Missy Hyatt and April Hunter. They told him that they – and girls like Chastity and Gorgeous George – will never get into the WWE because of Vince’s strict policy against their girls doing porn – be it hard-core or even non-WWE sanctioned nude layouts.
Jasmin St Claire, former BIG TIME porn slut, has tried out a few times… she ain’t getting in either.
Now, go here it’s the WWE Divas site…
Now scroll down to the bottom. See the “Do you think you are the next WWE Diva” search? Good…
If you click the Diva search link, you get a bunch of rules and regulations you must abide by in order for you (well, not YOU, you hairy nut boy, you… they want women) to be considered… including these notes:
Photograph Submissions that WWE in its sole discretion has determined to be false, deceptive, airbrushed, altered, manipulated, unlawful, threatening, libelous, defamatory, vulgar, obscene, pornographic, profane, incomplete, insufficient, or otherwise in violation of these Official Rules, in whole or in part, will be disqualified. Photograph Submissions that include Photographs depicting nudity will be disqualified.
Okay… so no nudies, plus they more or less make it clear that they like fresh faces… since they more or less say that by submitting a photo, it belongs to them to use however they see fit.
So far, so good… the WWE doesn’t like anything too hardcore (anymore… good Lord the 90’s really are over)…
Except… well… go back to the Diva page. See that pretty blonde model advertising the Diva Search?? Look familiar?
Yeah, that’s Vivid Video Contract Girl Devon. Star of such features as: Devon Stripped, Perfect Pink In Hawaii, Room Servicing, Where The Boys Aren’t # 18-27, Dripping Wet #5 in Hawaii, Virtual Sex with Devon , and Deep inside Devon DVD Compilation . Not to mention such compilation tapes such as: Butt Smackers, Anal Sluts, Horny Teens, Dirty Sluts, and Scott Keith’s Private Spank Stash [That last one is not available in stores]
And she’s like a top girl too… very cute and little and all-American and sweet looking… she looks like a high school cheerleader with a very obvious nose job
Think the WWE knows? Hmm?
My God, Ryder was right all along… RAW really IS Porn!!
Thanks to Sean McCaffrey for the info and he would really like you all to check out his Indy scene covering website. Tell him Hyatte sent you and you might get a free hand job from April Hunter… so long as you’re a brother (April does like the dark meat)
SMACKDOWN ENJOYMENT IS RELATIVE TO THE COVER CHARGE
Here’s a little gossip for you… we all like gossip… little behind the scenes juice that keeps us all nice and “inside”.
So, Smackdown was at Pepsi-cola, Florida… and afterwards a bunch of wrestlers popped into a strip club to settle down and chill… one of my readers was there and sent an e-mail detailing what he witnessed… I have since lost said e-mail, so I’m detailing what happened by memory:
-Sean O’Haire was in first and ended up huddled in a chair with a stripper way into the wee hours. He smokes like a fiend, loves the hard liquor, and his credit card had expired so he paid for everything with crisp $50 dollar bills… he is also just as big and mean looking as he appears.
-Rey Misterio showed up without his mask and he too smokes like a chimney. He ended up cuddling with Nidia… cuddling very closely.
-David Flair walked in, and left ten minutes later, rumor has it his cheeks weren’t the only things beat red that night… heh, heh heh heh… hoho ho… bwahahahaaa… Hyatte rules
-(yeah, meanwhile David scored Stacey Keibler and you morons are stuck with whatever mouthy, big haired pig you ended up saddled with)
-Albert and someone whose name I can’t remember showed up too. As did the Bashem Brothers, Nunzio, and Team Angle.
-Nunzio got very drunk and told my source that he didn’t know what the WWE had in store for him in the long haul, he was just there now filling a role and was quite happy to be doing so.
-At one point, one of the Team Anglers (I think the black dude) loudly screamed, THIS IS A TITTY BAR, EVERYONE SHOULD GET NAKED!! At which point Pat Patterson woke up and shouted: OH THANK MERCIFUL CHRIST… IT’S ABOUT TIME!!! Then dropped trou, jumped on stage, and started doing the Vagina Dance from The Silence of the Lambs. My source then decided that a hasty retreat was the best way to go here and ran like hell out of there… it was just about 3:00 a.m.
-oh, and apparently, rasslers don’t tip for shit.
-Finally, my source admitted that there is NOTHING gayer than watching douchebag marks ask wrestlers to sign their WWE Magazine in a titty bar… oh I so TOTALLY agree… come on, LOSERS… grow the fuck UP.
Jesus… you damn marks.
A VISITOR FROM THE EAST…
Why not, it’s been a while…
And now it’s time for the return of a visitor from the east… the all-knowing, all-seeing, sage, soothsayer, and Pat Patterson’s personal proctologist: here is HYATTEYAK THE UNINTELLIGIBLE!!!
Thank you, thank yo… WHOOPS (trips and wipes out)
Are you okay, oh great one?
I am fine… may Derek Burgan rip off everything you’ve ever done while swearing he’s never read you
HAHAHAH HEYOO
Thank you
I hold in my hand several envelopes. An idiot mark of 24 could clearly see that they are hermetically sealed. They have been kept in a jar on Funk & Wagnall’s porch since noon today… NO ONE knows the contents in these envelopes but you, oh Mighty Hyatteyak, shall divulge the answers without looking at the questions… are you ready, HYATTEYAK???
I am ready.
Didn’t you used to call yourself Carnac
Just give me the first envelope please
The first envelop! Hermetically sealed
Yes
In a jar
Yes
Funk & Wagnall’s porch
Who?
Since noon today.
Hyatteyak needs absolute silence.
You get an awful lot of that.
Blow me, tubbo [holds envelope to head] FUCKING STEPHANIE
FUCKING STEPHANIE
FUCKING… STEPHANIE
fucking… Stephanie
rip… poof
What do most WWE stars say when they see their booking sheets for the month
HIYOOOO!!! YOU ARE CORRECT, OH GREAT ONE!!!
[holds envelope to head] DYED IN THE WOOL
DYED IN THE WOOL
rip… poof
what happened to Netcop's erection the last time he fucked a sheep
HOOOO!!! HAHAHAHAHAAAA HO HO HO HO
may a Jewish playwright turn you down for an audition
HEYOOO
May Jay Bower suddenly be in your life
HAHAHAAA
May your only son be a hippie wrestling writer engaged to a girl with a thick lump in her pants
HOOOOO, HU.. HOOO
[holds envelope to head] Max Mini, CRZ’s Girlfriend and Owen's Death
Max Mini… CRZ’s Girlfriend… and Owen’s Death
rip… poof
Name a runt, a cunt, and a stunt
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHIYOOOOO
[holds envelope to head] Piper’s Pit
PIPER’S PIT
Oh shut up
OH SHU…oh.
rip… poof
What is Hollywood slang for scoring anal off one of the girls from Charmed?
HAHAHAHIYOOOooo eh?
may you look 10 years in your future and see Bob Ryder
HAHAHAHAAA
may the guy who follows your news column be on more drugs than Elvis on the bowl
KAAHO HO HO
May Josh Grut suddenly be too busy for you
HO… HOOOO
May you be cornered by a frustrated NoSoul
YES, YOU ARE WISE, OH GREAT HYATTEYAK
[holds envelope to head] Smeared lipstick
Smeared lipstick
rip… poof
What’s Trish’s excuse after going down on Lillian Garcia during her time of the month?
HEYOOOOO HO, HIYOOOOOOO
may the rest of your life rest in the hands of a moody drunk millionaire
I hold in my hands the LAST envelope
[Audience roars]
May you only get aroused by loud Puerto Ricans with three kids, herpes, and a huge ass
May your entire family bloodline rest in the hands of a son who spends all day and night watching old wrestling tapes
May the Scotman get a hold of your credit history
May you spend hours trying to convince people that you have no ego
May you log onto your site one day and see 100 posts from some twit named Darren Hewitt
[holds envelope to head] WWE DIVAS, Message Board posters, and $20 Dollars at Taco Bell
WWE DIVAS… 411 DIVAS…. MESSAGE BOARD POSTERS… AND $20 AT TACO BELL
rip… poof
Name a lot of tits, a lot of zits, and a lot of shits
HAHAHAHAA HEYOO HO HIYOOO
THANK YOU, I AM HYATTEYAK… GOODBYE!!!
GOODBYE, OH GREAT ONE… GOODBYE
and a big thanks to Flea for the assist
OH DEAR, MY TROUSERS ARE ABLAZE!!
(note: for this segment, let us please ignore the fact that Mr. America is not really Hulk Hogan but is, in fact, the Owen Hart Zombie… thanks)
As opposed to… well… the resting of the goddam net (uptight buttfucks), I happened to have ENJOYED the McMahon/Hogan lie detector test. I’m sorry, but not all of us wants to watch Benoit and Rey Misterio fight Mattitude and John Cena in a 45 minute classic… no, we don’t.
I liked it because it was goofy, fun, and it reminded me of a time when Vince McMahon had the perfect pitch to his character. There was a time when “Mr. McMahon knew how to play his character. He SHOULD be a control freak/billionaire who treated any insurrection with outrage and utter shock. Remember the look on his face whenever Austin would flip him the finger? It wasn’t the current McMahon evil sneer, it was the much better McMahon “How dare you!! Don’t you know who I am? No one has done this to me before” look. That was the Vince who wouldn’t soil his hands in fisticuffs… THAT Vince would just send an army after Austin.
Those days are gone, and now we get the new Vince… the one who can knock out HHH with one punch (I’m going back a few years here)… this is the guy who is confronting Hogan as an equal… not as the CEO vs the guy not doing as he’s told. Vince vs Hogan SHOULD be the greatest angle ever… Vince SHOULD haul out every opponent Hogan has ever had while he ruled the WWE one at a time to take Hogan out. How cool would it be to see guys like King Kong Bundy, David Shultz, Earthquake, Don Muraco, Greg Valentine, The Honky Tonk Man, and even Kamala come out one at a time to take down Hogan… with the best opponent Hogan has ever had, Randy Savage, saved for last? This angle could be so great… a true old school “This is your life, Hulkster” angle that could run clear into SummerSlam as a side attraction. That’s the angle this could have been, one that colors the entire history of the WWE in one neat package.
But no, Vince has to be a tough guy.
Anywhoo…the Lie Detector bit worked because it was fun… and because Vince stopped being a tough guy and went back to school as the outraged billionaire who cannot believe he is in a situation where he is admitting to jacking off to Torrie Wilson pics. Vince’s facial expressions sold the segment… he was hilarious.
So, I went looking around for the imbeciles who just HAD to point out that lie detectors don’t WORK the way the WWE made them work… I almost breathed a sigh of relief when it seemed that everyone, even though they HATED THE SEGMENT AND PRAYED FOR MCMAHON TO BE SENT TO HELL FOR NOT SHOWCASING BENOIT/GUERRERO FOR THE ENTIRE BROADCAST… THE SONAFABITCH
Yeah, doesn’t Vince know by now that the Internet has it ALL figured out?
(Guess not, seeing how Vince really does not want Raw and Smackdown to be competing… which pretty much goes against everything the net kittens have assumed since the split occurred)
Like I said, I AMOST breathed a sigh of relief, maybe most of you kids understood that this is supposed to be fun… humorous, amusing.. maybe you kids were willing to set aside the obvious truth that lie detectors don’t work the way the WWE pretended they did for the segment and just enjoyed the moment for the good, clean, harmless fun that it was (of course, admitting to masturbation is not exactly clean, and I have the underwear to prove it)… then I stumbled on the Smackdown recap from none other than SCOOTER:
Yeah, I’m sure real ones do that.
Oh shut the fuck up, you uptight/desperately needing a blowjob/cumstain.
See, it’s guys like these who are so hard up for… for… oh fuck him.
So, the moral of the story is 1: The segment was funny, 2: People who disagree with that statement can go fuck themselves, 3: Vince used to be a really good character, 4: There is a lot of potential in this angle, 5: Scott Keith is a tool, and 6: Hyatte knows everything.
Oh, and 7: When he doesn’t have an agenda, Roddy Piper can still be entertaining.
In closing, how can you piss on a segment that takes it’s cue from none other than the best TV show ever… The Simpsons?
Eddie: Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No!
[buzz]
All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him.
[ding]
Eddie: Checks out. OK, sir, you're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight.
[buzz]
A date.
[buzz]
Dinner with friends.
[buzz]
Dinner alone.
[buzz]
Watching TV alone.
[buzz]
All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the
Victoria's Secret catalog.
[buzz]
Sears catalog.
[ding]
Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't
deserve this kind of shabby treatment!
[buzz]
On a totally unrelated (to the context of this segment) note: I am evil Homer! I am evil Homer, I am evil Homer! I am evil Homer! I have no idea why, but right now that scene is sticking in my head.
MY THREE STOOGES
Biggdeez53 : FAG!!
Auto response from See Our Zed: Alas, Biggdeez53, I am well and truly asleep.
Biggdeez53 : Your GF’s a MAN!!
Auto response from See Our Zed: Alas, Biggdeez53, I am well and truly asleep.
I give the kid points for trying.
WHO CRIES FOR THE TREES???
I do, and so should you. Think of all these mill… well, at least THOUS… well… HUN… umm… dozens (?.. it ain’t like the publishers went nuts with the pre-orders here) of trees mercilessly SLAIN AND GUTTED so that we morons can get another in the way, way, WAY too long list of BOOKS ABOUT RASSLIN’ that’s out these days.
I found it strange that while a wee bit of attention was paid to Scott Keith’s latest book of errors, no one had ever thought to discuss a book that has been out for a long time, written by Torch writer, Pat McNeill. I sort of wondered why no one paid attention to a book from a Torch Writer… after all, I thought you losers WORSHIPPED Torch writers?
McNeill’s book is called The Tables All Were Broken, McNeill's Take on the End of Professional Wrestling As We Know It… which kind of answers the question already… what a stupid, overblown, confusing title. Who is “we”? Shouldn’t he switch “all” and “the”? Just from the title, about a dozen more questions abound… and I can’t imagine anyone caring enough to want the answers.
Anyway, someone finally DID review it and sent the review to me… and with a little digging, I learned WHY this book is so hard to get:
About 3-4 months ago, by stroke of luck or hand of fate I got the local Borders Bookstore here in Philly to order in Pat McNeill's book "The Tables All Were Broken". Having been pretty much an exclusive reader to 411 (big pop-ah fuck it actually I'm just lazy...), I've never really seen the work of Mr. McNeill on that 1wrestle-observer-onslaught-whatever site, so I really didn't know what to expect going in. Like anyone else who probably read this book (anyone? Hello? Hellooo? Anyone? Bueller?), going by title alone (and by the synopsis provided) I figured the book was about the somewhat recent downfall of pro-wrestling. Having read enough books about the old days and personal spins on some of the more historic events in pro-wrestling, I also figured it would be nice to read a book about something going on now, about the newest big thing in wrestling. No, not Brock.
What I soon found out, however, was that this "book" was THE BIGGEST PIECE OF GOAT SHIT MONKEY-ASSED ABORTION THAT LIVED I ever had the pleasure to read! In all seriousness, this is a HORRIBLE publication and by far the worst wrestling "book" ever. EVER.
First of all, the title and synopsis are completely wrong. The description of the book states that (and I'm paraphrasing here) it's about how "by the beginning of 2001, pro-wrestling had hit unprecedented heights in popularity. Then, by the summer of that year, attendance started to dwindle, and one of the biggest entertainment icons in history has hit rock bottom" or some other crap like that. What is IS, however, is just a jumbled up collection of McNeill's "views", "columns", and song parodies. SO MANY SONG PARODIES (yeah, they're in the friggin' BOOK, too).
The book isn't really a book then, but merely something like a manila folder with a bunch of things McNeill wrote on napkins stuffed in. There's no flow at all, with brief overviews on things like the Dudley Boy's table phenomena constantly interrupted by MORE SONG PARODIES and show transcripts. Oh yeah, thought Keith's match reviews in his book were annoying? McNeill has entire RAW and Smackdown! transcripts in this thing. And what's worse, unlike Keith's show transcripts, which are at least informative on what went on, McNeill's are full of things like "Kane came out. I like his mask. He's red in the face, HAW!" The "book" jumps around like this constantly, reading like a kid with ADD talks.
And this is where the "book" really just completely falls apart. I suppose McNeill's intention was that the reader would see the decline by reading over what happened on every episode EVERY week of each year. But this never happens, as he doesn't even comment on any issues that were occurring (this whole HHH fiasco?, never even TOUCHED). So, in essence, this scatterbrained attempt just falls apart a few "chapters" in, there's just no glue, no cohesive commentary or even storytelling to form a backbone. Please, do yourself a favor...GET THIS BOOK IMMEDIATELY! Witness how lame it is! Then return it or burn it or whatever, just don't keep it or try to finish it. You'll be insane within an hour, trust me.
Doug Sudia
AIM: Recoil66
Not the most serious review… but the guy’s speaking from his heart… another rip-off.
Jesus H… more song parodies. What a dink.
Anyway… McNeill’s book is published by Writers Club Press… which is almost considered a Vanity Press (self-publishing… they publish your book but do very, very little to market it) but not quite. Writers Club Press publishers your book then sells it on Amazon and Barnes & Noble by demand only, meaning they don’t do pre-orders, you have to ask for it and they’ll get you a copy. Pat paid to have it published himself, which is one advantage Scooter has… at least Scott found a sucker willing to pony up the Canadian francs. So, I guess this really is McNeill’s vanity press.
Oh, an interesting side-note… in the “about the Author” section of Amazon, McNeill calls himself a “practicing attorney”… I really, really, really find this hard to believe. What “practicing attorney” has time to write five fucking rasslin’ columns a week?
IT ALL DEPENDS ON WHO GIVES THE BEST HEAD IN HOLLYWOOD
I did this once last year and enjoyed myself while doing it (read into that however you like)… what we have here are some big actors losing big parts in big movies to other big actors. For instance, did you know that Hulk Hogan’s role in No Hold’s Barred was originally supposed to go to Charles Nelson Reilly? Oh yes… oh yes.
Anyway, here are six OTHER roles that almost went in a different direction:
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: Jimmy Caan was THIS CLOSE to taking the part that went to Jack Nicholson
Ghost: Harrison Ford was supposed to molest Demi Moore over the pottery table, NOT Patrick Swayze
Apocalypse Now: Who did Martin Sheen beat out for the lead role? No one really… just Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson, Clint Eastwood, Harvey Keitel, and Jimmy Caan. Eastwood, huh? I’m not an errand boy sent by grocery clerks, but I am here to collect a debt, punk!
Star Wars: Chris Walken was going to be Han Solo at first. That would have made the flick into a comedy.
Remember that pirate movie Cutthroat Island? Well, Mathew Modine’s part was originally offered to Michael Douglas, Liam Neeson, Daniel Day Lewis, Keanu Reeves, and Ralph Fiennes… all of which I’m sure kissed their agents on the mouth, with tongue, after that movie sank.
On the other hand, Brad Pitt, Ewan McGregor, Will Smith, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Val Kilmer probably tossed their agents out a window after losing The Matrix to Keanu Reeves: (I’ll lay some serious coin that at least one of these boys screamed, Keanu??? THAT FAG CAN’T ACT!!!)
That’s plenty.
THE CHYNA SYNDROME
Many… well okay, one person speculated that, as per last week’s sizzling expose on Stephanie’s rapidly degenerating voice (ie: I pointed out how bad it is and wondered why) that maybe she’s on steroids?
Now, I’m not an expert on the juice, but doesn’t it take a long time of frequent use before the side effects kick in?
And shouldn’t she have more results from the use than just a great big ass? After all, Hunter wouldn’t let her just take the juice without working out.
So, I’ll have to say, no her voice isn’t from steroids… until I have more evidence.
So… as it stands… the current theory that Steph’s voice is shot because HHH’s big shlong is just reaching down there and maiming her vocal cords is still the most accepted belief.
I am terribly, terribly ashamed of this story.
FEELING THE LOVE ON AIM
The following just happened a few hours ago. It’s all true.
OKCCC Grad: You know any good sites with wrestling babes?
Hyatte1com: sure
OKCCC Grad: Have any addies?
Hyatte1com: sure
OKCCC Grad: Can I have them?
Hyatte1com: no
OKCCC Grad: You suck ass, clown.
Hyatte1com: ha!
That’s it.
THE IWC… DEAR GOD, KILL ME NOW
I thought, before we wrap up with the last piece, I thought we’d have some fun.
The following are things you’ll never read from a big member of the IWC (any one: Scherer, Meltzer, Keller, Mitchell, Scooter, Sca..oh, I said a BIG member, didn’t I?, etc, etc… doesn’t really matter):
-I’m sorry this column feels mailed in, I got laid last night and STILL can’t believe it.
-Wow, didn’t see that swerve coming.
-Oh, what do I know about the business anyway?
-Stephanie deserves her spot
-Ooops, I was wrong.
-Pat McNeill really does have his finger on the pulse of wrestling
-Scott Keith limits his brilliance by just sticking to wrestling and DVD reviews
-I love reading the Midnight News. Never miss it.
-I trust Vince’s vision for the long term.
-The Undertaker’s workrate has improved.
-Benoit sucks
-I like to read all the big sites to get a sense of what other people are thinking.
-I’d love to have sex with Trish Stratus just once
-I’d love to have sex with Torrie Wilson just once
-I’d love to have sex with Stacey Keibler just once
-I’d love to have sex just once
-I have a huge ego.
-I don’t know what I’m saying
-This column is about WRESTLING, not about getting myself over
-I hate my life
And there you go.
Let’s take’er home with part three of the FASCINATING series:
HOGAN PUTS THE SYSTEM ON TRIAL (part 3)
We’re almost done with this… the wrap up will be next column.
This might be the best section of the series, this is where Hogan talks about Vince McMahon. Does ol’ Terry hedge his bets? Pull his punches? Throw all his eggs in the basket of Ted Turner and cheerfully bellow Fuck YOU, VINCE before proceeding to rat out every evil deed Vince has done since he staggered out of the womb? See for yourself!!
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Defense: Vince McMahon wanted the wrestlers to be in good physical shape?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: He acts upon those words himself?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Have you worked out with Vince McMahon?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Did he try to work out as hard as you?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Ever heard the term bigger than life at WWF?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: What did you take it to mean?
Terry B: Reference about me and how success had taken us by surprise and it was larger than life.
Defense: Reference that the character was bigger than life?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Was it code word to take steroids?
Terry B: No.
Defense: To create public appeal you need a character?
Terry B: Yes. Defense: You view yourself with 2 identities, Hulk Hogan and Terry Bollea?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Is Hulk Hogan bigger than life?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Was it the goal of Vince McMahon to promote a character that was larger than life to go over with the public?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Go over means public will accept as popular?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Ever have any personal knowledge that Titan paid for any steroids for wrestlers?
Terry B: No.
Defense: As far as you know, in the locker rooms, they used their own money?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Ever see a road agent or any employee of Titan distribute steroids to a wrestler who wanted them?
Terry B: Never.
Defense: During 85-89, if you could not get steroids, you get from other physicians?
Terry B: If needed, yes.
Defense: Titan had nothing to do with Zahorian giving you steroids?
Terry B: Nothing.
Defense: Dave Brower was friend of yours from High School who lived in Florida?
Terry B: Yes. Defense:
Did you renew your friendship with him in 88 before the filming of No Holds Barred?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Did you train with him then?
Terry B: Don't recall.
Defense: Did you call Zahorian and have him deliver steroids to Brower?
Terry B: I don't remember the dates. I put Dave Brower on the phone with Zahorian and introduced him because he was using steroids.
Defense reads Grand Jury statements.
Q: Zahorian sent you Federal Express in Tampa.
A: Yes.
Q: To Dave Brower who received them for you?
A: yes.
Defense: Did Dave Brower and you share steroids?
Terry B: Yes. Gave me my portion.
Defense: You paid for steroids that you used from Dave Brower?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: You made the order and for convenience you had it delivered to Dave Brower and you took some for your personal use?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Did you charge Dave Brower money?
Terry B: No. He gave me 10 vials, so I gave him ten vials. We were friends. It is similar to how smokers share cigarettes.
Defense: Between 85-91, you gave wrestlers steroids and the reverse was true. In your mind were you distributing steroids?
Terry B: No, these were my friends.
Defense: When they gave them to you, were they in your mind distributing steroids?
Terry B: No. they were my friends.
Defense: Did you believe as a lay person, that between 85 and 91, as long as a doctor prescribed them, they were legal?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Did you believe Zahorian was committing a crime?
Terry B: No.
Defense: You did not have knowledge that it was criminal?
Terry B: No, I did not.
Defense: Did the other doctors write you a prescription?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Did you believe that Titan was condoning an illegal practice?
Terry B: No.
Defense: When you were examined in Hershey, it was in private?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Did you talk to Zahorian about your physical condition?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Did you about problems apart from steroid usage?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Did you have personal and medical conversations with Zahorian?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Did you expect them to be confidential?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Did some concern your wife?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: You used Zahorian for reasons unassociated with steroids?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Were you satisfied with the advice of Zahorian?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: He helped you?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: You had close friends in the WWF?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Ed Leslie known as Beefcake?
Terry B: yes.
Defense: Brian Blair?
Terry B: yes.
Defense: John Minton, know as Big John Studd?
Terry B: Yes, but I don't see him as often.
Defense: Do you recall Vince McMahon handing you steroids via Federal Express from Zahorian?
Terry B: Never.
Defense: In 1988 you received a Federal Express from Zahorian?
Terry B: Yes. We get 15 minute recess. A spectator in front row comments to someone that only people in the wrestling business that are rooting for the destruction of Titan and Vince are the higher ups in rival organizations. Like Eric Bischoff in WCW. Reason being he can lower salaries if Titan was gone because there wouldn't be the threat of a wrestler leaving WCW to go to Titan and get a higher salary.
Defense: The packages were picked up because you knew steroids were ordered for you?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Would you call from the road and ask Emily to order for you?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Did Vince McMahon ever direct her to order and supply you with steroids?
Terry B: No, I called myself. Defense: Who would you pick up the package from?
Terry B: Emily.
Defense: Do you recall Vince McMahon ever dividing up steroids and handing you bottles and packages?
Terry B: No.
Defense: Did Jim Stewart ever deliver a package to you?
Terry B: I don't remember him doing that.
Defense: Did you ever give Emily Feinberg instruction to give steroids to Jim Stewart?
Terry B: No.
Defense: The steroids were paid for by you?
Terry B: I would write a check for Zahorian.
Defense: When you got steroids from others, you would not pay money and instead just give them some of your vials in return later?
Terry B: Yes. No money.
Defense: Orders were placed jointly for you and Vince McMahon?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: You knew Vince McMahon used steroids?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: From 84 and on, Vince McMahon was your friend?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: You called him your brother?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: You had respect for him?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Did you in 1993 call him "my hero"?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Vince McMahon respected you?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Your ability and what you did for the WWF?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: The film "No Holds Barred" was produced by Shane productions which was owned by Vince McMahon correct?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: You were involved exclusively in the filming, there were no performances then?
Terry B: None that I can recall.
Defense: During June and July of the production, he was in your company and involved in the production of the film?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: You two stayed in the same hotel and trailer?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Do you know how old Vince McMahon is?
Terry B: No.
Defense: Is he in the present in his late 40's?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Back then he was in his early 40's?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: In your case you started using steroids when you were around 23-24?
Terry B: Yes.
Defense: Would it be unusual for an individual to start steroids in his early 40's?
Sidebar called.
And with that, I’m calling my own sidebar and then calling recess for the week. That’s it… we’re done. Finito, end of story, show’s over. Go home.
Next week I won’t be here, I’m gonna go recover from the likes of you. Maybe someone will replace me, maybe not… I just hope I have some sort of SAY AS TO WHO GETS TO FILL IN, WIDRO!!! YA HEAR ME??? I DESERVE FINAL APPROVAL!!!!
So, whoever shows up, if anyone does, try to enjoy them… I know it’ll be tough… ain’t no one around like me… lot of guys TRY… but… well… ugh.
Oh, and coming soon: And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H
Whatever you think it may be, it probably isn’t.
Now go do something constructive… like read a book, I’ve listed three already that you would enjoy. Creeps.
This is Hyatte